One day at a time....one moment at a time...

That's all we can do. There are days when I truly go around asking myself, is this a bad dream?  Is this honestly our new reality??

I consider myself a pretty positive person, and I do try and make the best of each day, but sometimes the ache of missing my son is just overwhelming.  I haven't even begun to grasp the true meaning of what is in store for the future....it's a mere two months and a bit....I cannot imagine going into the future without him being a part of our family and physically here with us.  I believe in "signs" and I hope that there is a wonderful afterlife where he can look down on us and be here with us.  I need that, I need to know that my son did not die in vain, that part of him IS here with us. 

It is unreal how a life can change in a moment...one minute he was here, asking if I had a lint roller, and another he was gone..forever.  For anyone that has a child, imagine the pain of not seeing that child again...

As my cousin said to me...."pick the best of the day, and god will handle the rest."  Truly, this is how I have to handle my days.  My heart has honestly never, ever hurt so much.  It is a pain that does not ever go away, no matter how hard you try....it's always there. 
Love you always and forever...Love mom...XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Anyone who walks in these shoes.....

Knows what it feels like on a daily basis.  It doesn't go away, it may ease with time, but it's always there and always will be.  After the accident, my mind kept going to that night....did he know what was happening, did he need us, did he feel pain.....things a parent should never have to deal with, feelings I struggled with until a wise person told me "We'll deal with the good things and pass the rest off to god."  Some days I just have to do that....I have no choice.

The days after the accident were also somewhat of a blur, going through the emotions, dealing with the things that had to be done.  We tried to include his friends in the grieving process that week, and what our son would have wanted.  Nothing was traditional, it was the most non-traditional Celebration of Life I had ever witnessed.  It brought forth hundreds of people from every aspect of our son's life, in many ways this accident brought to the surface many bad memories for a lot of people in the community and they too were sharing our grief.  We were so overwhelmed and thankful for everything everyone did for us.  I just wish the reason were different.

I had bad days, the early mornings when he would be going to work, coming upstairs to grab his lunch and head out the door...me saying "Have a good day".  The supper hour when he would be pulling in the driveway and coming upstairs to have a shower after a hard day at work...oh how I miss those moments....

The longest I had not seen my son in the 21 years he was on this earth was this past summer when my husband and I were on vacation...to go from that to the realization that I would never physically see him again is earth shattering.  Love you always and forever..Love Mom
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The healing process...

I believe this is a good term to use.  Each day is different from the previous...very different. You wake up in the morning and realize that this is now what life is like....you go on the best you can without your child.  I honestly believe that I try to make the best of each day, but some days the day gets the best of me. 

It's the little things that come to mind...like a wave comes over me and I remember the silliest little things that I will never get to experience again, some of those things annoyed me greatly in the past...his socks under the couch in the family room, or in the bathroom on the floor.  Dirty dishes downstairs...empty snack wrappers....what I wouldn't do to have that to complain about again.

And then there are the moments that just bring forth incredible sadness, yet much thankfulness for having the opportunity to experience them.  I cherished every conversation  with my son in the past few years, he wasn't a super talkative person, so when he wanted to talk, I listened.  I even came from another part of the house if I thought he was in the living room and willing to talk.  After each conversation ended and it usually did by him getting up and leaving, I felt a twinge like something was telling me this wasn't always going to happen.  I am grateful for every time I sat and talked with him....it's like something in the universe was telling me....cherish these moments....I did then, I do now. Love you always and forever..Love Mom
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A new day begins....what shall it bring....tears, smiles, laughter....probably all of those.

I have to start somewhere.....

This blog is a place for me to come and write about my son.  My son was killed in a car accident on October 18th, 2015, at approximately 1:30am.  That is the time when my world came crashing to a halt, and our lives as we knew them were changed forever.
This doesn't happen to us...never...happens to someone else...WRONG!  It can and does happen to anyone. 
I have to say that the two plus months since the accident have been all over the place emotionally. 
At first you kick into a mode where you get done what has to be done, and there are so many people around you that you don't truly have the time to grieve properly.  You go through the motions of doing everything that has to be done in that time period.  You thrive of the people that surround you, they give you the energy and the strength to get through those horrible first days. 
No parent should ever have to bury their child....to have a child for 21 years and then all of a sudden he is gone......it's a parent's worst nightmare, it truly is an unimaginable grief.
I love you Gregory, with all my heart... always and forever...Love Mom.
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